January Article

Grapevine Article - October 2005
Articles are submitted monthly by Grapevine Committee Chairperson - William W. "Step Ten: I Hate This Step!" The fine art of not having to make amends

I’m one of those alcoholics who has a hard time admitting that they were wr— . I even have trouble saying or typing the word. I know I’m not alone. Anyway, I hate this Step.

I had a particularly bad relationship with my older daughter. We screamed at each other a lot. I kept doing things or saying things — hateful, mean things. Or screaming. Then I’d talk to my sponsor and snivel and whine about making amends. I hated to make amends to that kid. I’d rather scrub toilets with a toothbrush than make amends with her. She would look at me with that look (you know, the one that says, “If I cared at all, I’d hate you”) and say, “It’s about time.” She was nasty and hateful and mean and spiteful.

I’d tell all this to my sponsor. I’d try to justify and rationalize my behavior so I wouldn’t have to make amends. One day my sponsor suggested that, if I hated making amends so much, maybe I ought to try not doing the things I had to make amends for (i.e., change my behavior). What an idea! She suggested that I practice restraint of tongue and pen.

I took my sponsor’s suggestion. I worked really hard at changing my behavior. I knew it wouldn’t change anything because my daughter was still mean, hateful, and spiteful, but at least I wouldn’t have to make amends with her.

As you probably guessed, a remarkable thing occurred. Not only did I not have to make amends, but she became less mean, less spiteful, less hateful. In fact, she started being nice. We started talking. We formed a relationship. It even occurred to me that maybe it wasn’t all her fault that we didn’t get along.

Today we have a wonderful relationship. She talks to me about her life, her loves, her problems. I owe this relationship to the Tenth Step. If I hadn’t hated making amends so much, I might not have been willing to change my behavior.

I have found similar results in all of my relationships. Over the years, I have tried to keep my behavior “below amends level” because I hate making amends. As a result, I act differently. And as a result of that, people respond differently. It’s amazing.

Nancy H.
Lake Forest, California

The AA Grapevine, which has been published since 1944, is a precious resource for Alcoholics Anonymous. It offers the Fellowship a place to exercise and record an important freedom: the freedom to say what is on our minds.